Paranoia
Chapter 2 – The Thoughts (Part 1)
I got into my house and just lay right on the sofa. Then, as usual I started to think and recall what my problem was.
In the end, I just concluded that I was thinking too much. But at the same time, I can’t help that feeling of being so afraid to lose everything.
No matter how hard I tried, I kept having the feeling that I need to do something, intervene or something just so people wouldn’t dislike me. At that moment, I thought about the one thing I would dread of losing. Him.
His face, his cheerful and warming smile, appeared in my head in an instant click. Yes, I have to admit, sometimes, I do think it would be better to just break off with him. But no matter how much I think, he would always get me away from that decision.
He gave me comfort, he gave me an instant smile, and the moment where he starts to think, I start to worry. Yet, I can still think of giving him up.
“I can’t keep this up. I think I’m going to have to leave him.” My mind thought these exact words everytime. But at the same time, tears would start to roll down my cheeks.
My family is important to me, my friends are important to me, my studies are important to me. But at the same time, he’s also important to me.
Sometimes, I’ll be so blinded by all the feelings around me. The uncomfortable feeling people have around us, the awkwardness, I tend to tell him to keep our distance.
I never once thought that I might be hurting him.
Then I realized, how easy it would be just to lose him. All this time, he kept putting up with all my crazy decisions yet he still cared and smiled everytime he sees me. He always forgives me for all the things I do that hurts him.
He keeps giving me words like “it’s going to be okay” , “don’t think too much, it’ll get better” , “I’m always here for you kay? Just tell me what’s wrong.” And continues to try and get me to smile again.
“Why have I not realized how much he’d sacrificed?” I thought to myself. And started to break down.
And then, I texted him,
“Heyy, I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. I just want you to know that I’m okay and I love you. Thank you for everything.”
(p/s: it’s not complete yet. Had to rush for homework. xD Will update soon. <3)
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